a time for separation...

I heard something recently that has given me much to think about.  It was: "The end goal, if parenting is done right, is separation. You are supposed to want them to go off and leave you in the end."  At first this can seem like a really severe thought.  But the more I have pondered this idea I have come to agree with it.  While this thought was shared with no spiritual basis in mind it easily coincides with gospel teaching.

I believe my job as a mother is to teach my children to love the Lord.  To help them establish their own testimonies of the gospel.  To teach them values and principles of love and self reliance.  To help them learn to take care of themselves.  To allow them opportunities to leave our home and test out their strength on their own.  And the end goal is to see them transition into their own lives with a firm foundation of their own.

I have heard a term lately called "helicopter parenting."  The idea being that parents are hovering over their children so much that the kids aren't being allowed to try and fail, or that they then take on the fears and worries of their parents.  I had a wake up call a few months ago when I read an article in the Ensign about this very topic.  Here is the part that struck me with such force:

  "I am aware of a wonderful family of faithful Church members. The mother and father are devoted, loving parents. However, their teenage children are not allowed to pour their own juice or make their own breakfast. Their parents do those things for them. The mother has explained that this is her way of maintaining control of “her kitchen” and keeping it clean.

Of course cleanliness and order in the home are important. But perhaps some extra chaos and clutter caused by amateur chefs in the kitchen is worth it if it means your children are learning how to cook and clean up after themselves. Allowing and even expecting children to do things on their own prepares them to live independently in the future. Parents should try to not do things for their children that they can do for themselves.

President Boyd K. Packer has written, “I think one of the major mistakes in teaching children is the tendency for parents to be bothered when children want to participate and to learn something. … Our children were allowed to help when they were little, urged to help when they grew a little older, and sometimes ordered to help when they were teenagers. They have, accordingly, learned to do many things for themselves, and very expertly.”

Oh. My. Word.  When I read that I thought, "that is SO me! I totally do that! I need to make a huge change in my thinking!"  Not that I have teenage children, but I was headed down that road.  I smile at the reasoning of the sweet mother "that this is her way of maintaining control of "her kitchen" and keeping it clean."  Soooo me!!  I don't know how many times I have shooed the kids out of the kitchen because it is "my" space.  

My changes are slow, but they are happening....the first one being that the kids now mostly get their own breakfast.  I even assign one of the older 3 to get breakfast for Max too!!  A huge change for me, but a good one.  I do find that it is best for me not to even be in the kitchen while this is happening.  I have a tendency to look for the potential mess while watching...It is better to deal with the mess after then watch it happen! ; )  But really the kids are pretty tidy and the messes are few.  (I really can't watch Bailey pour the milk without having a heart attack!)  

I see us moving into our new home in a few weeks as a new fresh start on our family organization and routine.  I am determined to do things differently.  I have come to the conclusion that placing a few more responsibilities on my sweet children's shoulders is  exactly what they need....not necessarily want...but need.  I found a quote recently that I just love, "If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders." -Abigail Van Buren

The idea of "teaching correct principles and letting them govern themselves" is a hard one for me as a parent.  But the key to that quote is in the "letting."  I must learn to let my kids try and fail.  Let them do it their way.  Let them discover things for themselves.

My main dream for each one of my children is not to see them living with me for the rest of their lives, but to see them each living a life filled with a burning testimony, the gospel as the center of each of their own homes, and lots of love, happiness and a family of their own.  If this is truly my end goal then my work as a mother now needs to reflect this.

Change has always been hard for me.  I am a stubborn person.  I do usually think I am right. But I have decided to change.  To be the kind of mother I want my daughter to become.  To have the qualities that I want my boys to look for in a future spouse.  To be the mother that the Lord wants for me to be.

Wish me luck!