Have you ever thought that you were going to loose someone close to you? Sat as your mind contemplated what life would be like with out them near? Wept as you tried to prepare your heart for the pain? Ignored the constant stream of feelings that would rise to the surface at any random moment? Silently prayed for a miracle? I have...
13 years ago my mom got cancer. I was young then and really didn't always grasp the seriousness of the situation. I remember my parents sitting me and my sisters down in the living room and telling us that my mom had cancer. Hodgekins Lymphoma. I remember coming home from YW Girls camp and seeing my mom lying in the recliner in the basement with 3 strange tubes coming out of her neck. I remember watching her come home from chemo and nearly collapsing before my dad could get her into bed. I remember sitting down again in the living room and hearing that the cancer was back. I remember missing her as she had a bone marrow transplant and lived up at the hospital in Salt Lake for over a month. I remember visiting her and seeing her gray face and hollow black eyes. I remember having brief moments of pain and worry. Wondering if she would ever live long enough to see me get married. Wondering if she would ever hold my children. But somehow in my blissful teenage state I just knew that everything would be alright. And it was...
2 months ago my mom went in for her yearly cancer check up with her oncologist. 2 months ago they did an MRI that showed damage. 2 months ago my mom was told she had Pulmonary Fibrosis...a progressive, almost always fatal disease. Patients usually don't start to show symptoms of the disease until it is pretty well advanced. Well...she had symptoms. She was told to set up an appointment with a pulmonary specialist...so she did...but the soonest they could see her was January 6th.
2 months ago my heart changed. All the feelings from years ago came flooding back with a change of understanding that comes with being an adult now. I didn't have teenage worries and concerns to distract my mind. I sat and felt all of the pain and anguish that just the mere thought of loosing my mom would bring into my life. I let the waves of sadness wash over me. I made plans for capturing memories before it was too late. I made plans for telling my children that their grandma was sick. I made plans on how to deal with spending my Tuesday afternoons alone without her. I made plans for how I could be strong in the months to come. I made plans to loose my best and dearest friend. I made plans...because that is what I do...
2 days ago our family was blessed with a miracle. 2 days ago my mom had her doctors appointment with the specialist. 2 days ago she was told that, while indeed she did have fibrous tissue in her lungs, it was exactly where she received radiation years ago and wasn't anything to worry about. 2 days ago she got her life back. 2 days ago I got my mom back. I joyously let go of all my previous plans and started making new ones...plans that include one of the most important and treasured people in my life.
Words can not express how difficult the last 2 months have been for each member of my family. And yet it is all washed away! I feel like I am finally lying on a beautiful beach on a crystal clear morning after a horrible, terrible storm...soaking in the sun and enjoying the warmth of a new day free from the worries of the day before.
Today I am thankful for a merciful God who sends peace in the midst of the storm. Several times in the last 2 months the words to a beautiful hymn have passed though my mind:
Where, when my aching grows,
Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know,
Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand
To calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand?
He, only One.
He answers privately,
Reaches my reaching
In my Gethsemane,
Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds
For my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind,
Love without end.
-Where Can I Turn For Peace #129
I am thankful for the knowledge that I have. I know that my family is sealed together forever through the holy bonds that only making covenants in the House of the Lord can bring. I know that the Lord is aware of all His children. I know that He listens to our prayers. I know that he can calm the troubled heart. I know that He loves me. I know that if I live worthy one day I will live with Him again. I know that through the Atonement of Christ His only begotten son that I can become perfect. I KNOW...
Today I will try to hold onto the lessons I have learned. Today I will squeeze my family a little tighter.
Today I will remember..."Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant He is and kind. Love without end."
Is there anything better than that? "Love without end..."
13 comments:
Thanks for sharing that Heather. You're making me cry! I'm so happy for your Mom to be well. What would life be like without miracles? And what would the good news mean, if we never heard the heart saddening news? That's what the temple left me pondering today. Life is so precious - you know too well.
That song describes it perfectly. I am so happy for you and your family for this wonderful miracle. Thank you for sharing it with us.
OH MY GOODNESS!! That is the GREATEST news!! I am so relieved and happy for you all. What a MIRACLE.
You are such an eloquent writer & what a great message to start my day with. Life is full of challenges & we can decide to have faith and handle them. Thanks for such an uplifting story. I'm so so happy for your family.
Heather, that's such good news. Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm so happy for you and your family. Thanks for being such a great example!
Wow, that is a miracle!!! I'm so happy for your family! You have a way with words, Heather! Thanks for sharing your testimony!
Beautiful post, Heather. Powerful & eloquently written testimony. I'm glad to hear your Mom is okay.
we have a sister in our ward right now who is 26 years old and just lost her baby at 22 weeks. the amniotic fluid from the pregnancy gave her an infection and she has turned septic. she is now lying on a hospital bed with 26 tubes coming out of her! it is so sad, and she is so young and i am devastated! i hope we see the same miracle you have. i am sooo grateful for our heavenly father and know he has a plan! thank you for you story and sharing your own experience. what great news!!! and definitely a story to pull hope from.
I'm sorry you have been going through that the last few months...but I'm so happy for your family! Great news and such a beautiful post!
Dad asked me today if I had seen your blog. I said, "not yet". So after we returned from the MTC tonight, dad some reading to do, so I took the opportunity to pull up your blog. My goodness Heather Marie, talk about going to bed with swollen eyes! I need to find out how to make a copy of that for our family history! You wrote it so beautifully! I love you sweet daughter of mine with all of my heart! Thank you for your example!
Beautifully written. I heard the news from Jen over the break and I've been dying to hear. SO happy that everything's okay!!! Your parents are just incredible people. It's so comforting to have the knowledge of our Savior through times like this. Love you!
Heather, that a wonderful post you wrote. I have been ill and didn't know that there was good news! I just got off the phone with Marcy and know we are truely bleesed to have her in our life! She is a wonderful example of a sister, mother, wife and grandmother! You have had the best to teach you of life in your mother's example. It has made you the wonderful niece and wife and mother that you are today! We are truely blessed to have Marcy in our lives as well as her dearest oldest daughter!
Wow, that was a really inspirational post, and I am so excited for you guys! Thanks for you thoughts, they really helped my put my own life in perspective.....
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